Imagine a girl, no more than 13 years old, a scrawny thing, with wild, wavy hair, sitting in her room with her knees drawn to her chest. She is crying. Again. She is thinking…
I just want to get it right. Why can’t I just get it right? I’m so tired of messing up, making the same mistakes. I’m so tired of cleaning up the mess that is me. It would be so much simpler if I just knew the right thing to do. Why do I always choose the wrong thing?
I wish I could be perfect.
I wish I wasn’t such an embarrassment. An awkward, insecure, failure. I hate myself. If only I was more beautiful and confident, then maybe I would have more friends. Maybe those girls would stop laughing at me. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone.
I want to be perfect.
I wish I was perfect. And not me.
I’m so tired of being me.
I’m so tired of being alone.
I wonder what it’s like to be in love.
I wonder what it’s like to have a dad that’s always there.
I wonder what it’s like to feel at home somewhere.
I wonder if there is anyone that can hear…
God, are you near?
Never mind. Don’t answer that. I was just wondering…
Actually, I just thought of something else. Heaven.
Heaven is painless. Beautiful. Peaceful. No girls to hurt me. No people to betray me. No humanity to weigh me down.
I could be free.
If I chose to go to heaven. Right now.
It’s a thought.
I’m Christian, so it’d be okay if I died because I’d go there.
I’m just so tired. So tired of trying to be perfect.
Tired of trying not to show I’m weak. Tired of trying to do things right. Tired of trying not to care when they judge me. Tired of crying. Tired of lying. Tired disappointing people. Tired of disappointing God.
Tired of myself.
I need rest. A break from life.
God… Where are you?
I’m hurting. Are you listening to me? I can’t do this anymore! Do you care?
I don’t have a purpose. I’m useless. I’m not good enough to do anything for you.
Just kill me.
If you don’t then I will.
It’d be better if I was gone. Then I wouldn’t be a financial burden to anyone. Then maybe people would notice me. Then I could rest. Forever.
But I love you, Katya.
No, God. No, you don’t. Nobody does. I’m worthless. I’ve already tried the pills before, I can try again.
I love you so much.
Stop. I don’t believe you.
I love you. You are everything to me. So precious, so beautiful, so wonderful.
Oh God, why am I crying again?
Beloved, I’m here. I’m here and I love you. I have a future for you. It is not your time yet.
I don’t even know you! What do you want from me?
I want only you. I love you with all my life.
I don’t understand you, God. I didn’t even know you were here.
Child, I’ve always seen you and been here beside you. I know you. I love you, my precious daughter.
I’m so broken, God. I’m so broken.
Come to me and I will heal you. Give me your brokenness and I will make you whole.
I’ve hurt too many people. I’m the worst sinner. You know about the pornography. I know you know. I’m addicted. I’ve got too many chains. Don’t you see? You can’t use me. I’m not pure enough. I’m not holy enough. I’m not a pastor-type, missionary whatever, person. I’m a horrible Christian.
Beloved, I know the pain you’ve been through. I’ve been through it with you. But I can break your chains. Will you trust me?
Honestly God, if you free me from this, I’ll follow you. Show me you really care, deliver me, and whatever. I’ll serve you.
I feel free. My chains are gone. God, you actually care. I don’t know how to thank you. I still don’t know you… but I want to. God, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me for all I’ve done that wasn’t right.
You’ve already been forgiven.
I don’t want to live this kind of life anymore. I actually want to know you. I want to love you like my pastor. And talk about you like we are friends. But, I don’t even know where to start. Will you help me? I want to know you, God.
I still feel so inadequate, like I’m worth nothing more than dirt. What good am I to you?
With my Spirit in you, there is nothing you cannot do. I will do the impossible through you. Just put your faith in me. I will not fail you.
Okay God, but I can only trust you a little bit. It’s all I can give you right now. But you broke my chains… you love me. I know you are real. I know you care. I think it’s going to be okay.
I owe you my life, God.
I gave my life so you could live, Beloved. I love you.
Princesses, this is my true story. It’s a very real experience I had with God when I was younger, which is when I consider the beginning of my journey with Him. Sometimes, life is dark, and happiness isn’t a reality, but God is so much more of a beacon of light when there is less hope. He found me, with heated anger pumping through my veins, my heart shattered in pieces, living in sin and He loved. He loved me to freedom. He loved me into His arms. He loved me like I’d never known. And it changed my whole life.
God became more dear to me than my very breath. Knowing Him has been the joy of my existence and sharing Him to others has given me purpose. Believe me, I know where I would be without Him, and I am forever grateful for the second chance He gave me.
Princesses, God loves you. Maybe you hear that often, maybe not at all, but I’m telling you He does. I am a witness to this love. He knows you and He is with you right now. You aren’t alone. Literally, nothing in this world (not even you) could hide you from Him!
It’s been more than 10 years, and I can tell you, He is still so good. Through battling an illness for five years, to loosing people I love, in every hello and goodbye, and heartache and happy days, God has been good.
He has become my Favorite Teacher, Best Friend, Most Trusted Bodyguard, Papa Daddy, Lover of My Soul, Adventure Buddy, and King/Ruler/Lord of My Life.
I just love Him. I love Jesus. I love who He is and what He stands for… and how much He has taught me. I’m no longer a lost orphan. I am a daughter of the King. I am a princess. I am loved. Most of all, I know I am God’s and He is mine.
He was with me then, and He is still with me.
With you in mind,
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.